Hello! As I had promised to myself yesterday, today I wanted to talk about my desensitization from porn.
The first time I watched porn was some time after a break up with a girlfriend I had at 12 or something.
I remember looking for girls similar to her in videos and such. I guess I really really liked her, and I still do to this day. Not her right now, but the idea she has left within my mind.
She was simply sweet and gentle with me I guess. We broke up because I declared to her that I couldn't believe she was with a guy like me, she thought it over I guess and left.
We never spoke again since. I tried to get back to her years later but she was ultimately a completely different person.
Still I feel myself searching for her, and porn just tries to bury this feeling somewhere deep inside me.
Porn as I was saying started out pretty soft. With time however I watched myself shift from those softcore videos to ever so more fetishized and femdom content, and ultimately to transgender content.
This scares me about my own self-integrity. I wonder what I could lay my hands upon if I continue down this path, and how it could change me permanently.
I rationalize and justify the more gay content with myself as simply being a result of progressive desensitization and the research for evermore shocking content.
I simply can't see myself fucking another guy or sucking someone's dick, even if I do fantasize about it when falling in the horniness trap. If I do fantasize about it however, the other individual is still mainly feminine in my mind.
Going through this feels like loosing grip on a wet surface. The more you slip, the less you can hold yourself together and recognize which parts are really yours.
I just wish to make the carousel halt to a stop. This thing is destroying me piece by piece. All of this born from a dumb try at fixing love.
That's what I miss the most, and it's the main reason I still come back to porn. Love.
If I had a girlfriend I guess I wouldn't have sex with her that often. I would just hold her and feel her soft flesh between my arms. How universals are these topics amongst us humans? To know that nothing we say is original?
Inanimate bodies loving each other in a world populated by rocks?